Because I'm Broken, When I'm Lonesome
by XxAbagailxX
Summary: AU. A fatal school shooting leaves one Finn Hudson wondering why the world works the way it does.


**A/N: This is part one of two? Yeah I I think just two(: For now I'll keep it at T, but the rating may go up on part two. Enjoy. Lyrics and song title from the song Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee.**

**Summary: **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my spelling mistakes and my drive to write(: Okay so just an extra warning, this fic contains: Character death, depressing themes, mature language.**

**"Because I'm Broken, When I'm Lonesome."**

**Xx**

_**I wanted you to know**__**,**_

_**I love the way you laugh**__**,**_

_**I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away**__**,**_

_**I keep your photograph,**_

_**I know it serves me well**__**,**_

_**I wanna hold you high and steal your pain**_

_**I.**_

The moment it happens, Finn thinks he's a goner. One minute he's smiling and talking to his friends in the cafeteria and the next, he hears it. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Three shots, that's all it takes. He feels a sharp pain in his stomach and feels like he can barely breathe. He looks down and sees the blood staining his light blue and white striped shirt. He's pretty sure only one hit him, but before he can look around to see if anyone else was hit, he falls to the ground. The world around him is becoming blurry and he doesn't know if he'll be able to stay conscious very long.

Finn feels a soft hand touch his shoulder. "Finn," the person whispers, "Can you move at all?" He looks up to see Rachel Berry staring down at him. Rachel. It's nice to see her. Wait no. It's bad. They broke up. She cheated on him. It's very bad to see Rachel. He shakes his head no and he trembles a little bit. He's scared. He's going to die. Finn can feel it. His breathing is slowing and his body wants to quit fighting.

What the hell happened anyways?

Rachel's dark brown eyes are filled with fear and she looks as though she's going to cry. "We need to get you out of here. She could come back." Her words scare him. She could come back? What the hell is happening? He walked into school this morning expecting it to be an average day. Not anything like this. Finn's brain is feeling fuzzy but he's trying really hard not to lose consciousness. He's pretty sure if he does, he'll die. Faintly in the back ground he can hear three more shots being fired. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

He wants to cry. Finn wants to use his energy to cry. He thinks he'll never see his mom again. She'll be heart broken. His mom will probably be depressed for a long time. Losing him and his dad? It would be enough to kill her. "We have to move you. Finn, let's go under this table okay? I need you to help me. Please." Rachel's looking down at him fearfully and she quietly tries to move him under the long table. She places her hands under his arms and pulls. Finn tries to help. He really does, but it just takes so much energy.

"You're bleeding so badly." She practically sobs.

Rachel starts to take off the green sweater that she's wearing over her white tank top and Finn doesn't get why. As if she read his mind she answers his internal question, "I'm going to put pressure on the wound. It'll hurt a little bit, but you're strong. I know you are Finn." He isn't sure if she's trying to convince herself or him. Rachel presses the sweater to his wound. He winces. She was right; it does hurt, a lot. He looks up at her and sees her eyes closed. It looks like she's praying. Her mouth is moving quickly while she says the words to herself.

"I'm sorry." He says, and it's true, he is. Finn hates seeing her so upset.

"Don't be," She smiles down at him very sadly, "Focus on staying with me. You can't die, Finn…..you just, you just can't. And I-I-I am just so sorry. You have to know. You have to live." She's crying harder than he's ever seen her cry before. She's so scared and so is he. Finn wants to hold her in his arms and tell her everything will be okay, but he doesn't know if that's true.

Finn looks at the clock hanging on the wall. Seven minutes. It's only been seven minutes since he was shot. He remembers because he was looking at the clock when it happened. It's felt like hours. He looks over at Rachel who has her hands on his stomach trying to keep the pressure. "Talk to me, Finn. Try to stay conscious." She smiles at him in a reassuring way.

He says the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm going to die."

Rachel looks away from him in a painful way. "No. You're not." She shakes her head.

"Who?" The word comes out as a choked sob. He hopes she'll understand what he meant.

"Don't worry about it. Come on, distract from all of this. Sweetie, you have to try to keep your mind in a happier place. Just try." Rachel practically begs. She kisses his forehead sweetly and he isn't sure why he likes it. He shouldn't even be worried about how much he misses her at a time like this. Or maybe he should? Is this what happens when you're dying? Do you think about all your regrets and mistakes? Do you miss all the people you'll never see again?

"I love you." He says it sadly, because even though it's true, it doesn't matter. It won't even matter again. He's a goner. Finn thinks she knows it too.

Everything moves slowly after that. He feels hands on him and he hears her crying, she isn't touching him anymore, someone else is, but everything is dark so he can't be sure who.

The last thing he hears before he isn't coherent anymore, is a whispered, "I love you." The sound is full of regret and sorrow, just like he is.

_**II.**_

Finn wakes up to an empty room. He's glad no one is in here. He kind of wanted to be alone. Finn looks all around his room. Not much is going through his mind except one thing. _What the fuck._ The last thing he remembers is someone saying they love him. How did he wind up in the hospital? Finn tries to move and feels a sharp pain in his stomach. Then he remembers the shooting. Someone shot him. Someone purposely tried to kill him, but who?

That he doesn't remember.

"Oh baby. You're awake." His mother walks in the room, her eyes are red and puffy. Finn smiles at her. He has so many questions to ask, but doesn't know where to start. Carole Hudson makes her way to him and kisses his head. Her baby is alive. She couldn't be any happier.

"What happened?" Finn asks. He wants to hear it from her. He wants to know more details. He needs to.

"You were shot, baby. Don't you remember?" His mother cocks her head to the side. She looks worried. Finn didn't mean to scare her, he does remember. Sort of.

"But, who? Why?" This question is more urgent. He needs to know whether or not he was the intended target.

Carole sighs, and looks sad. "Quinn Fabray. She went….crazy. You weren't the only one shot. More people. Innocent people lost their lives."

Finn feels his heart sink. Quinn? His ex-girlfriend? His first real girlfriend. She shot him? Why? What did he do to deserve to die? And where is she now? Jail? He can't believe this. Who did she kill? Finn's angry. How could Quinn do something like this? He gets that she's angry, but why at him? She's the one who cheated on him and had another guy's baby. She's the one who lied. All he did was…..fall in love behind her back. Well, that's beside the point. She did all of that to him and he didn't try to shoot her. He could never shoot her. Hell, he could never shoot anyone. Suddenly, he's got an urgent need to know who else was hurt.

"Who else, mom? Who did she shoot?" Finn is afraid to know.

"Sweetie, maybe now isn't the best time to talk about this. You just woke up, I don't want to upset you, you might tear your stitches." That's when he really knows it's bad. If it weren't then she would've already told him. He has to know. She has to tell him now, if she doesn't he'll just find out some other way.

"Who?" The words are angry. He spits them out at her.

"I'm so sorry." She says with tears coming to her eyes. Finn is narrowing it down. It has to be someone close to him. Rachel? Oh god. It can't be Rachel; she was with him the whole time. Wasn't sure? Or did he imagine that? He begins to sob. His heart and his memory are at war. And his heart is winning. It wants to block out everything from the shooting.

Finn wipes a stray tear and looks at his mom. "Rachel?" He asks, it comes out as more of a choked sob. His head hurts and his heart feels like it's beating a million times per second. He's never hoped to hear his mom say no so much in his entire life.

"No. Not Rachel. She was with you, can you remember that? She actually saved your life really. If she hadn't helped stop the bleeding, you might not be with us anymore. You owe that girl a thank you. A big one at that." Carole explains.

Rachel saved his life.

"But who died mom? How many people?" Why won't she answer him? His mother is silent for what feels like forever.

"Puck sweetie, Puck was one of the six who were shot. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be upset. Mr. Shuester. I know you two were close. Artie Abrams. They think he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And Santana Lopez. She killed all of them. Then killed herself. You….you were the only one shot who survived. You're very lucky, Finn." He doesn't feel lucky.

Finn begins to sob uncontrollably. How is it fair that he survived, but none of his friends did? Why him? Why did he out of all of them deserve to live? It just didn't make sense. He wants to know why all of them were shot. What was her breaking point? What the hell was she thinking?

Carole kisses his forehead lightly, slowly caressing his face in a loving, motherly way. "I almost lost you." His mom keeps her composure and doesn't let any tears fall down her cheeks. Not letting herself cry. This is about her son. She needs to be strong.

Her words hit Finn in a weird way. He already knew that he almost died, but none of it felt real until right now. His mother is looking at him with sad, serious eyes, and she means it. She almost lost him, her only son. He was the only one who survived that was shot. That's got to mean something right? He's still crying, but he slows down. He doesn't want her to see him like this. He needs to be brave for her. His mother, the one person in the whole world who would've died with grief if anything ever happened to him and she already _almost lost him_, he can't have her worrying anymore.

Finn tries to change the subject. He doesn't want to think about Quinn, or the shooting, or how he almost…..he just wants to clear his head. "Are Burt and Kurt going to come and visit?" He tries to smile, but he's still crying a little bit. Even though he doesn't want to think about everything, his brain does. He just wants to pretend.

Finn remembers when he was a little kid and he used to play pretend. He would pretend he was an airplane pilot. He'd take people all over the world in his imaginary plane. He would visit far off lands and help people on adventures. Captain Hudson. He could pretend that all of these things were real, why can't he pretend this isn't?

"If you'd like them too….yes. I think they'd like that very much." She smiles, a real smile. The first real smile he's seen on her since she got here. He knew bringing up his step dad and step brother would be a good idea. Finn knows his mom too well. She wants them all to be a great blended family, so bad. Actually, he sort of wants that too. So seeing Burt and Kurt would actually be a good thing.

Carole hugs him, but not too tightly trying to make sure she didn't hurt him, and kisses his cheek, before she leaves him to get rest. Rest that he really needs.

_**III.**_

_BOOM. BOOM. BOOM._

_His stomach hurts. Finn looks up and sees Quinn staring at him. Before he can say anything, she's gone. She's walked away leaving him to die. He knows it. Finn's a goner. No one can save him. He's going to die. Too much blood. Too much pain. What if she comes back and shoots him again?_

Finn wakes up with a start. A dream. It was all just a scary dream. He wasn't shot. No one is dead. He dreamed it all up. Though, when he opens his eyes and sees the washed out white color of the hospital room's walls, he knows better than that. _Fuck._ Did this all really happen? Are his friends dead? Is one of the only guy's whose ever been like a father to him, actually gone? No.

_No._

It can't be true. It can't fucking be true. Why would Quinn kill them? Why would Quinn try to kill him? None of it makes sense. It's all too crazy to believe. So he won't. Finn won't believe it, because he can't. He just fucking _can't_ all right?

Quinn wouldn't do that. She wouldn't kill her friends. She loves them. She loves the Glee Club. She wouldn't kill them. They are her family. The only family that's ever really cared for her.

_Dammit._

He wants to punch the wall or something. Finn is so overcome with sadness that he doesn't know what to do except keep telling himself that this is all a dream and that it never happened. Maybe if he does that for long enough, he'll heal. He'll just forget. Or, he hopes that will happen anyways.

Though, he's pretty sure it won't.

_**IV.**_

He's been in the hospital four days when Rachel comes to visit.

Her eyes are red and she looks miserable. Finn smiles at her when she enters. He doesn't want to scare her away. He owes her a thank you. Or at least he thinks he does. He remembers his mom saying something about a thank you for something she did. He doesn't remember.

"Hi." Rachel's voice is soft. She makes her way over to his hospital bed very slowly. He notices how nervous she looks. _And beautiful_. But that's not important because he doesn't even know why she's here. He doesn't know if he wants her here.

"Hey." He says back. Rachel finally gets to his bed side and smiles.

"How are you feeling?" She wonders. How is he feeling? He just got shot. His friends are dead. How is he feeling? Oh just so_ fucking fantastic_. Not.

Finn looks around the room. "I've uh, I've been better." He isn't sure how to say how he's really feeling without freaking her out. Her eyes are dark and she looks distant. Something's on her mind. He knows that look. He's seen it a million times, and he knows her. Knows how she works. Finn knows when she isn't saying something she wants to.

"Are you going to the visitation?" Rachel gets the words out in the open. Visitation? Isn't that the thing before the funeral where they open the casket and let you say goodbye? He doesn't want to see his friends' dead. He still doesn't even want to believe they are dead in the first plus.

He shrugs. "I don't know. I might not even be able to. You know, just had surgery. I was shot in the stomach. They might not let me leave." Finn's words have an underlying hint of bitterness that Rachel catches. She just nods.

"You don't have to go. I just thought I would ask. They were your friends too, Finn. Your mother actually asked me to come and talk to you about it. She said you've been distant the last couple of days. She's worried about you. I mean we all understand what you're going through, but we want to help. We can't help if you don't let us." Rachel explains and places a hand on his. He quickly moves his back. He doesn't want help, can't she see that? Can't they all see it?

"Yeah, well, _sorry_. You don't need to be worried about me. I'm fine. I lived didn't I? I'm just really fine. I mean I could be worse, right? I could be fucking worse right now, Rachel. I could be dead." Finn's words are cold. He's angry. He doesn't want to deal with this. He's only seventeen, he shouldn't even be worrying about something like this. He should be going to parties and meeting girls. Just having fun. Not losing people close to him in a shooting.

Rachel sighs. "Don't be like this. Don't act like you are the only one this happened to. Everyone saw, Finn. Everyone was scared. I was terrified. I thought you were going to die." She gets quieter by the end. How did she even know he got shot before she talked to his mother? He can't remember anything from that day. Hell, he can't even remember his first night in the hospital very well. Everything is fuzzy.

"I mean, I tried to help stop the bleeding, but I didn't think it was going to be enough. You were bleeding so terribly. God, Finn." She covers her face with her hand to stop a sad gasp from escaping her lips. She tried to stop the bleeding? Why doesn't he remember that? Why doesn't he remember anything?

It pisses him off. It's only been five days since the incident. He shouldn't have already forgotten everything. He looks at Rachel and she's staring down at him with those big brown eyes of hers and he doesn't know what she wants him to do or say. He doesn't want to go to the visitation. He doesn't want to talk to her anymore. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He just doesn't want to talk to _anyone_ anymore.

"I'm not going." Finn tells her, arms crossed over his chest.

"And that's fine, but if you change your mind, it's tomorrow at three." She explains as she walks out of his room.

_They were your friends too._

_**V.**_

Finn doesn't know why he's doing this. He made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with this visitation. He told his mom he wasn't going, but she told him he was. Carole said it would be good for him. It'd give him _closure_. Maybe he doesn't want closure. Did she ever think of that? Maybe he wants to continue living in this little fantasy world for as long as possible. He's not ready to realize that this is all real. He just isn't. And if he never sees the bodies, he never has to accept it.

In the car his mom tells him what to expect. "All of the caskets but one are going to be open." She warns him. Finn doesn't get why any of them have to be open. He really just doesn't want to see his friends dead. Today is going to be a bad day.

When they arrive at the non-denominational church that all the families agreed on for the visitation, his mother parks the car and gets the wheelchair out of the trunk. The hospital agreed to let him go to the visitation, but only if he agreed not to walk. Carole helps him into the chair and she begins to roll him towards the door. Burt and Kurt are waiting for them. "Hey, champ." Burt smiles at him and ruffles his hair, trying to keep the mood light hearted. Finn tries to smile, but it's hard considering the circumstances.

Together they make their way into the church. Finn notices how beautifully decorated everything is. Music is playing in the background and everything seems too….cheerful.

Once they go down a long hall and turn a corner, Finn sees the first coffin. It's open just like she said. They continue around and he's sees the rest of the coffins. It's a scary feeling, being here like this. He doesn't know what to do or how to act. He's got so many emotions building up inside of him and he doesn't know how to let them out.

Mike walks up to him and smiles a sad smile. "Hey bro. How are you?" Finn hates that people keep asking him that. If he told them the truth, how he really was, they wouldn't even know what to say. So he just nods and lies saying he's doing fine and not to worry about him.

His mom keeps pushing him in the wheelchair, but he wants to do it himself. He tells her and she looks a little distraught but reluctantly agrees. He remembers how to use one of these from sophomore year when Artie had them all walk, _roll_, a week in his shoes. It was really difficult, but after they did the wheelchair number, he sort of got the hang of it.

Finn sees Rachel sitting alone in a pew and rolls up to her. He doesn't actually want to, but somehow before he can stop it; his hands have rolled him that way. She looks up and smiles at him through her tear filled eyes. "Hello, Finn. I thought you weren't coming." She says.

He shrugs. "Mom thought it would be best, I guess." He frowns.

"Well, I'm glad you're here. They would have wanted you here." Rachel explains and she cries a little bit when she says it. He doesn't know if she's right though. Would they have really wanted him here? He lived, they died, and wouldn't they be angry? He would be. He'd be pissed. He _is_ pissed. None of them ever should've died.

"I'm scared." Finn admits. He's always been able to just say these things to her without meaning to. She nods and places a hand on his.

"Me too. Let's go up together." Rachel suggests, and he's totally fine with it, because he may be mad at her but he can't go up there by himself. He's too scared. He isn't sure he'll be able to handle it. Rachel stands up and goes behind him so she can push the wheelchair. He lets her. Finn feels like his arms are made of jelly and that if he even tried to roll himself, it would be impossible.

The coffins are in a half circle. Finn thinks all of his friends deserve better, though. Like their own visitations. Each one of them, but since that's not what they got he guesses this is nice too. They go and stand behind two girls who are crying. The place is packed. It looks like the entire school is here.

After what feels like hours of standing there, they finally are right in front of the first coffin. Puck's coffin. Rachel stares down at him not saying a word. He looks at Puck and he can't believe it. He looks so different. He's wearing his Sunday best and looks like he's asleep, but he's not. He's just dead. Rachel looks over at him sadly and he wants to be angry at them. His dead best friend and his ex-girlfriend, but he can't. He actually feels really guilty. Like he should've spent less time being angry and more time forgiving, because now Puck's dead and he'll never know that Finn forgives him. Or maybe he does know? Maybe he can read Finn's thoughts? Is that how death works? Once you die, you have magical angel powers or something? He doesn't know.

"Oh Noah." Her voice is full of so much sadness and remorse. It's the first thing she's said since they got up here. Finn feels like he should say something, but he has nothing to say. Everything just kind of sucks and he isn't looking forward to seeing any more of this. "You were a great friend, and I was your Little Jewish Princess. You were like a brother to me. Farewell." She sighs and tries not to cry. Finn never thought of saying anything. He tries to think of some kind of goodbye, but he just can't find the words.

They go the next coffin and he doesn't think his heart can take anymore.

Santana.

Rachel places a hand on his shoulder and shakes her head in a way that says that this is such a shame. "Santana, we may have had our differences, but I still considered you a friend. We will take care of Brittany for you. I promise. She'll need it; she seems lost without you, just like I'm guessing you are without her. I'm sorry about everything we ever fought about, can you forgive me? Because, I forgive you. I wish we could've settled this before…." Rachel looks at the floor. She's whispering her goodbyes, but he can still hear them.

It surprises Finn a little bit that Rachel can say these goodbyes, but he can't. He's the man. He's supposed to be strong. Why can't he say goodbye?

Once again, he tries to think of a goodbye, but he can't think of anything to say. He's really sorry this happened, but he doesn't know how to say goodbye. He's never been good at saying goodbye.

Before long, they move onto the next coffin. This all feels so wrong for Finn. He's heard his mom say everything happens for a reason, but what is this supposed to help? What will this do? There doesn't seem to be any logical reason.

"Mr. Shuester, I'm sorry that I'm overbearing and bossy. I'm sorry we got into fights about Glee Club. You are the best teacher I've ever had. You changed my life in so many ways. You really were an inspiration and we never would've gotten anywhere in Glee Club without you." Rachel smiles down at the man in the coffin. Finn tries to smile at their teacher because he knows Mr. Shue wouldn't want them to be sad. He'd want them to smile and move on, but Finn can't. He was like a father to him. How do you get passed losing two fathers?

He feels terrible when he doesn't have anything to say. Rachel looks at him like she's waiting, expecting him to say something, but he doesn't, because he can't. His brain is betraying him not letting him say what he's thinking, because he actually has things to say to Mr. Shue. How could he not. Tears start stinging his eyes. He didn't realize how hard this was going to be.

Rachel kisses the top of his head and whispers reassuring things to him. Finn doesn't get why she's helping him. He dumped her. She should be trying to stay as far away from him as she possibly can. That's what he thinks he'd be doing. (He doesn't really, but it makes him feel better to lie.)

They move on to the last person. Artie. His coffin is shut. "Why is his shut and everyone else's is open?" It's the first thing he's said the whole time they've been up here.

"He was injured in a place that couldn't be hidden by clothes." She explains kindly. He nods.

"Artie, you were a good friend, and so talented. I wish you could've been a dancer like you wanted. I wish terrible things hadn't happened to you. I'm so sorry." As she pushes Finn and walks away from the coffins she begins to weep silently. Finn feels terrible. That's why he starts crying too. In the corner of the church, they cry together.

Finn doesn't think much of it though. Because she still cheated, and he's still heartbroken, and even though everything has just happened, he's still hurt.

_**VI.**_

Finn's first day back home doesn't go to well. He's sore and just plain angry. He hates this. He hates everything. The world just doesn't make sense. He doesn't understand how he deserved to live and they didn't. Why is he the only one alive? He cries all night when he gets home and he doesn't care if anyone thinks he's unmanly or uncool he just needs to cry over the loss of his friends.

He punches a wall that night. He's pissed off and the wall just looked so happy and he wasn't, so he decided to punch the wall. His mom didn't even yell at him, all she did was check his hand to make sure it wasn't broken and assured him that Burt would fix the hole in the wall. He tells her to leave after that, and she does.

Finn just wants to be alone with his thoughts. He thinks back to the moment it all began. Who was he talking to? Was it Puck? Sam? Mike? Who? He can't remember and it makes him angry. Why can't he remember? Why didn't anyone see Quinn walk in with a gun? How did nobody know she was planning this? How were there not signs? He cries harder trying to think if he ignored any signs.

Crying for Quinn seems bad, but he does it. He's actually sorry. Even though she's an evil bitch who killed his friends and herself, he's still sorry. He wishes she could've been helped. Finn wishes he could've done more for her. For her sake, and Mr. Shue's sake, and Santana's sake, and Puck's sake, and Artie's sake.

He cries for Puck. Finn cries for Puck that night too. He thinks of all the things he's ever wanted to say to Puck, because Pucks in heaven so he knows what he's saying right? Well, Finn hopes so because he tries to tell puck he's forgiven over and over again.

He cries for Mr. Shue. That dude is, _was_, like a father to him. He's never really had a father figure until he met Mr. Shue. He owes that guy so much. He tries to think just how much he appreciates Mr. Shue, so maybe he will hear it up there in Heaven and know.

He cries for Artie. Ever since Glee Club they had become buds. Like really great friends. Artie helped him through all of his Rachel stuff. He was a cool guy that Finn will never forget.

He cries for Santana. She may have been a bitch, but she was an amazing singer. And she loved Brittany more than she loved herself or anyone else in the entire world. She took his virginity, and that taught him some things that he's glad he learned. Sex doesn't make you a man, being with the woman you love makes you a man. And he didn't love Santana, well, he did, just more like a sister.

Finn also cries for Rachel. Still alive and well, he cries for her anyways. He's angry at himself for wanting to forgive her after she cheated on him. Though, the whole cheating thing seems small compared to all the shit that's going on right now.

Finn just wishes things were different. He cries into his pillow, and screams, and punches and kicks, just really wishing things were different. He hates that he's the only one who lived. It will just never make sense to him why. Why him? _Fuck_.

Screaming loudly again, Carole runs in and puts her arms around him. Telling him everything will be okay. He wants people to stop saying that. They don't know that everything is going to be okay so they need to quit trying to tell him it will. Now he's pissed. Finn pushes her away from him and she sighs patting his leg. Carole tells him she thinks he needs to see a counselor.

_Fuck that._

_**VII.**_

The next afternoon Finn finds himself sitting in the office of a counselor that he doesn't want to talk to. The counselor is man who looks to be about twenty eight. He sits in front of Finn and smiles at him. He just rolls his eyes wishing he was somewhere else.

"Hey, Finn right? Your file says Finn, but sometimes patients like to go by other names. Anyways, I'm Dr. Maples, but you can call me Paul." Paul smiles at Finn but he doesn't smile back. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't have anything to talk about.

Finn looks Paul over. He's a small guy, only probably 5'6. He's skinny too and has light blonde, short hair and green eyes. He doesn't wear a suit, just a button down shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He looks friendly and inviting. Though, his persona still doesn't make Finn want to talk.

"So Finn, your mom is pretty worried about you. She thought it'd be a good idea for you to spend two hours with me two times a week. How does that sound to you?" Paul asks. Finn just shrugs not at all interested in what this guy has to say.

Paul writes down some notes on the pad in his lap. "Okay. So what would you like to talk about?" Paul smiles and Finn's a little taken aback. Don't counselors and therapists tell you what you're going to talk about? Not let you pick?

"I don't care." Finn says quietly.

The older man writes more in his pad. "Tell me about yourself then, if you don't mind. If not you can pick a different topic." Paul suggests things in a way that makes you feel in control of the conversation. He starts to think that maybe Paul isn't so bad after all.

"Um. Yeah. It's cool. We can talk about me. Well, um I like football. I'm pretty good at it, or at least _was_, the doctor said I won't be able to play football anymore. I'm not a good student, but I've gotten a lot better, Rachel likes to help me study. Well, liked. We don't hang out anymore. I like fixing cars. And singing. Playing drums is cool too." Finn stops when he realizes he's sort of babbling.

Paul nods and gives him a friendly look. "I know it sucks that you can't play football anymore, but it's not the end of the world. I promise. I mean you have other things you can focus on. Like singing and playing drums. Those are really cool skills to have. I wish I could sing. I sound like a dying cat." The older man laughs in spite of himself.

"I bet you're not that bad," Finn laughs too, a real laugh, "I just don't know what I'm going to do about college. I probably won't be able to go now. I needed a football scholarship." He frowns at the thought. He hadn't actually thought about his future since he broke up with Rachel.

Paul scribbles more in the note pad and that makes Finn a little nervous. "I see. Well, if you work hard enough, and you're good, I bet a music scholarship could work out too. Would you be willing to continue music in college?" He asks.

"Yeah. That'd be cool. Rachel actually gave me the papers and stuff to fill out for a music scholarship. She actually said not continuing music would be a shame." He smiles at the thought. He remembers when they talked about that, sitting in the bed of his truck making out and talking about the future. It was nice.

"Rachel must be pretty special. You talk about her a lot." Paul points out.

Finn laughs a little bit. "She's my ex-girlfriend," he explains, "She um, she cheated on me with my best friend. So I broke up with her."

Paul nods. "I see, how did that make you feel?"

No one had ever asked him how he felt about that. How did he feel? It was hard to explain. "Not good. Kinda like I'm not good enough for her or something. But, I feel guilty to, like it was sorta my fault." He admits.

"Why do you feel like it was your fault? You couldn't have forced her to cheat on you, why do you feel guilty?"

Finn gulps. Not quite sure if this is something he should share with Paul. "I lied to her and told her I was a virgin. She found out from the girl I slept with. It was bad, and we were kind of on a break, kind of not." He tells him nervously, not wanting to sound stupid.

"Why did you lie?"

"I didn't want to hurt Rachel. I figured she'd never find out. I just love, _loved_, her so much." Finn frowns. It's past tense. He doesn't love her anymore. Not after she hurt him.

Paul nods slowly. "You say loved, did something happen to her? Or just because you broke up?"

"Because we broke up."

Paul writes a last little bit in his note pad. "Well, our time is up. Come back Thursday, I think we will have a lot to talk about."

Maybe counseling isn't so bad.

_**VIII.**_

School is back in session the next day and Carole makes Finn go. Everyone looks at him weird and stares at him when he walks down the hallway. They all have these sorry expressions and everyone is over nice to him. So what he got shot, it doesn't mean he needs special treatment.

He finds Rachel standing at his locker. "Welcome back," She smiles warmly and he tries to keep his features cold, "I hope everything is going well." She pats his shoulder and he wants to kiss her. It's been so long since her warm lips have been on his and he misses it.

"It is." He answers coolly.

"I worried about you. After I saw you at the visitation I didn't hear from you and got worried." Rachel admits and shyly tucks hair behind her ear as she looks at the ground. He hates this. He hates how in love with her he is and how much he wishes she hadn't ever cheated on him. If she hadn't, they'd still be together and they both wouldn't be so miserable. He can't take her back though. It would hurt his pride.

Finn looks down at her mostly expressionless. "I've been busy."

She nods. "Oh. Well, if you need anything, you know my number." And with that she's gone. She walks away and he just has to watch her go.

Over the loudspeaker Principle Figgens announces that all the students need to make their way to the gym for an assembly. Finn makes his way to a seat along with a crowd of students. He ends up sitting with the remaining Glee kids. "Good morning students and faculty. Two weeks ago our school was hit with a major tragedy. I know it's hard to talk about, but it must be done." Principle Figgens starts.

Finn thinks about getting up and walking out of the room. He's done a good job of keeping talking about the whole thing to a minimum; he definitely doesn't want to listen to someone else talk about it. "We lost some off our own and another was injured. The faculty came to me with an idea for a memorial. A big one. All of the students, and the teacher, were very invested in music, so they thought something musical or having to do with the choir room would be a good idea. Any suggestions are welcome. We will have a suggestion box outside of the front office." A memorial. Finn likes the idea, but it also makes him sad. He just wants all of this to be over.

"I want to have a moment of silence for the lives lost, Noah Puckerman, Artie Abrams, Santana Lopez, and Mr. William Shuester. Please be respectful and honor them for their moment of silence." Principle Figgens says and everyone gets quiet, though some people are crying.

Finn thinks back to what Rachel said, _You aren't the only one going through this._ He didn't think about it really until this moment, but she's right. He's not and he was being selfish. He might owe her an apology.

_**IX.**_

Finn arrives on Thursday for his second counseling appointment. Paul greets him with a smile and motions for Finn to sit down. "So, your mom told me school was back in session yesterday. How was that?" He asks.

Finn shrugs. He doesn't really know how it was. It was just school. It made things feel normal again, kind of…. "Uh it was fine. I mean it was school. It was a little weird being there again, considering…." He doesn't finish his sentence. He doesn't know how. Finn figures he could talk to Paul about everything but not that. The shooting is closed off territory.

"Considering what?" Paul asks.

He breathes in heavily and lets it out. "You know and I'd rather not talk about it." Finn explains angrily. He's spent enough time thinking about it. Talking about it would not help. Or at least, he doesn't think it would help? He really doesn't know. Right now, he's just so messed up in the head. And it's making him fucking angry. Part of him wants to just spill his guts, but he tells that part of him to shut up.

"Okay, that's fine. So what would you like to talk about?" Paul asks.

"Uh anything I guess. We could talk about you." Finn suggests because he wants to know more about the person he's telling his secrets to.

Paul nods. "Well, I'm twenty-seven years old, I'm married to my beautiful wife Jessica, she's a nurse, and we have two beautiful daughters, Amy and Abby. Amy is four and Abby is six months old." He smiles at the thought of his wife and daughters. Finn smiles too. "I've wanted to be a counselor since I was ten, and I like football. That's about all there is." Paul laughs.

"Sounds awesome." Finn admits. The thought of having a wife and two daughters appeals to him. He wants that in the future. He wants to be as happy as Paul seems to be.

"All right, enough about me. More about you. How about we talk about your friends. I remember on Tuesday we were talking about Rachel right? She cheated on you. Mind if I ask who with?" The older man wonders. Finn can tell he's trying not to push buttons, just more trying to get inside Finn's head and Finn isn't sure how he feels about it.

Gulping, he nervously touches the back of his neck. This is the hard part. He doesn't know how to talk about it. "With my best friend, well uh he was my best friend." Finn answers sadly.

"Oh, you guys stopped being friends over a girl? That's not good." Paul says, trying to give a little bit of sympathy.

"It was the second time he'd done something with one of my girlfriends. He got the first one pregnant. And we might be friends right now if, um, well if he didn't, uh, die." He just kind of spits the words out. Finn can't believe he said it. Puck's dead. Wow. He knows it's true, he saw the body in the coffin, he was at the funeral, but this was the first time he'd said it out loud.

Paul nods slowly and writes in his note pad like he did the last time Finn was here. "So, you guys didn't get to make up before he died? That's got to hurt. I mean, he may have hurt you, but he was still your friend. How do you feel about it?" He asks.

Finn scoffs. How does he feel? Seriously? Out of everything Paul could have said or asked? How does he feel? Fucking _bad_. That's the only way he knows to put it. He feels horrible. Like his best friend shouldn't have fucking died and it should have been him. Like he misses his best friend and wants him back. Like he misses all of his friends and wants them all back. How does he feel…like the world is unfair? That's what he's feeling.

Anger is pulsing through him and he tries to control it. Finn doesn't want to take it out on Paul because it isn't Paul's fault he's so angry. "I feel bad." He states. Paul just nods and scribbles in his notebook. What the hell is he writing anyways?

_**X.**_

Lying in bed one night he realizes just how guilty he really feels. He came out with just a scratch basically. He's got his whole life ahead of him. Finn gets to go to college, get married, have a family, and get a job, everything they won't ever get to do. He'll grow up. He'll move on from this. But the victims won't. Puck, Santana, and Artie are forever frozen at seventeen. Forever known as the kids who died in that tragic shooting at William McKinley High School and what about him? He'll always be that kid who got shot in the stomach and survived.

They lucky one.

He doesn't fucking feel lucky at all. He doesn't know how he feels. It's hard, being the survivor. Finn hates the way everyone looks at him. He doesn't want their sympathy and that's exactly what they give him.

He wishes he would've died instead of them. Finn thinks that would've been _way_ fucking better. At least then he'd be able to look in the fucking mirror without feeling bad about himself. It just isn't fair. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life feeling so horrible. He wants this to go away, but it can't and it won't. So he'll have to suffer through it until something good happens. Something to drive away the guilty feeling in his stomach.

Scenarios are always running through his head. Like what if he would've been shot in the heart or in the head, what if he would've died too. He wonders how bad it would hurt. He wonders if the pain would've made him cry had he been shot in the heart. Or would he have just died immediately? He wonders about being shot in the head. _Like Artie_. Tears fall at the thought. Secretly he wants to know if Artie was scared. Did he know that he was going to die as soon as he saw Quinn waving the gun around? Did he know that he wasn't going to make it? Did anyone try to help him?

Also, he secretly wonders about Quinn. Did she go into that school knowing that she was going to kill Puck? Or Artie? Santana? _Fuck,_ even Mr. Shue? Did she fucking _know_ she was going to shoot him? Was she trying to kill him? He doesn't know. Finn will never know, because she decided that she'd had enough of her life after she'd taken innocent people's lives. Did Quinn know she was going to kill herself as soon as she walked into that school? Probably so.

Finn feels a sinking feeling in his stomach. He kind of wonders what happened to Quinn. Did she have a funeral? She had to of, right? Nobody here would've gone to it, except maybe her parents, but she has family, they needed closure, right? This is all just so confusing and he doesn't get it.

Why do things like this happen? Finn doesn't think he'll ever know. _But he wants to_.

Finn just wants answers. So many answers.

**Xx**

**End of part one, Part two should be up in two-three weeks.(: Please review!**


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